‘Why doesn’t she leave her control-obsessed partner?’ ‘Why is he stuck with his abusive girlfriend?’ ‘Why are they still married – they hate each other!’ Questions like these are common and we are often left wondering why two people, who are in an unhappy relationship, are stuck with each other or why the one who is suffering the most is stuck with the other. Deepthi Chandy, therapist and COO of Anna Chandy & Associates, explains that toxic relationships can prove to be compulsive. And to complicate matters even more, often, you don’t even realise that your relationship is toxic because often – though not always – the ‘love’ is still present.
Deepthi Chandy says, “Toxic relationships can be surprisingly addictive, and there is a scientific explanation behind this phenomenon.” She adds, “When we experience love bombing, where our partner showers us with affection and attention, our brain releases a surge of dopamine and oxytocin, known as the “happiness hormones”. Conversely, when we are let down or rejected, stress hormones flood our system. This constant fluctuation between highs and lows can create a cycle of dependency, much like addiction to drugs or alcohol.”
Recognizing the signs of a toxic relationship
When you are constantly going through emotional ups and downs, you often fail to understand that your relationship has turned toxic. Chandy says that recognising the signs of a toxic relationship is crucial to breaking free and reclaiming your emotional well-being. She mentions four key indicators that suggest you may be in a toxic relationship. Chandy also highlights the steps to get help and recovery.
1. Constant fear
One of the most obvious signs of a toxic relationship is a pervasive sense of fear. If you feel like you’re always being very careful around your partner, carefully monitoring what you say or do to avoid triggering a negative reaction, this is a major red flag. This fear can stem from their unpredictable behavior, where you never know what might upset them. Living in a constant state of anxiety erodes your confidence and sense of security, making it difficult to feel relaxed or happy in the relationship.
2. Separation from loved ones
Another hallmark of a toxic relationship is isolation. You may notice that your partner discourages or completely prevents you from spending time with friends and family. This isolation tactic is often subtle at first, manifesting as jealousy or possessiveness, but it can escalate to controlling behavior that makes you feel cut off from your support network. Losing contact with loved ones not only increases your dependence on your partner but also makes it harder to seek help or perspective on your situation.
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3. Feeling stuck
A deep feeling of being trapped is common in toxic relationships. You may feel like there is something wrong with the relationship, yet you are unable to break free from it. This feeling of being trapped often comes with a persistent sadness and a sense of helplessness. The addictive cycle of ups and downs keeps you hooked, as you hope the good times will return and the constant distress will subside. Recognizing this pattern is the first step toward understanding that the dynamic itself is unhealthy and not your fault.
4. Fear of sharing milestones
In a healthy relationship, sharing your successes and accomplishments with your partner should cause joy and mutual celebration. However, in a toxic relationship, even positive news can be a source of fear. You may worry about how your partner will react to your accomplishments, fearing jealousy, criticism, or indifference. This fear stifles your ability to enjoy your own accomplishments and hinders open communication and mutual support.
‘Love can exist even in a toxic relationship, but…’
Deepthi Chandy says it’s important to understand that love can exist even in toxic relationships. “You may genuinely love your partner and they may love you too. However, love alone doesn’t make a relationship healthy,” she says.
Recovering from a toxic relationship requires support and a commitment to self-care. “Contact trusted friends, family members, or a mental health professional who can provide essential guidance and encouragement. Therapy can be especially beneficial in understanding your relationship patterns, rebuilding your self-esteem, and developing strategies to establish healthy boundaries,” Chandy says.
